We lead with our wounds, is one of my favorite relational advice from Caroline Myss.
In the last few years since my divorce, I have been dating and also had the pleasure of being in a relationship for 3 years.
After the last breakup, numerous first and sometimes second dates, I have been taking an extended break from dating in getting to know and understand myself a bit better in how I relate with people in my relationships. Then I picked up on this gem this morning on Elephant Journal.
“We attract lovers and partners who are putting out what we are putting out into the world.
We essentially are dating ourselves.
We are big-ass mirrors—walking around dancing with others and ourselves at the same time.
I had a healer, a woman at the farmer’s market, call me on my heart shit this week. She shot from the hip to my heart with so much truth I stumbled.
She told me I was an “unavailable lover.”
But wait…me with the wide-open heart, no boundaries? How? ! I’m a tigress! I’m a strong woman and a strong lover—how can I be unavailable?” Jane Robinson.
And I realized we see and recognize what we know and that’s what we go into relationships with and that is why we struggle in forming lasting commitments because one day we wake up realize that and want to walk away only to realize now there is a heap of responsibilities involved.
Will I be able to choose differently next time, Chances are no.
I have been aware of my selection biased in the type of woman I select for years and yet it does not stop me from doing exactly the same every time, and I will probably continue.
I think all that we can do is be more aware and really try and move our selection from a need perspective to a want perspective.
Our wounds shout out for release of the pain of loneliness and feeding the wound, that for me is neediness.
Being on your own and wanting to share your experiences with someone is not needy just wanting, hopefully more healthy.
I have also realized actually its just a messy process and if we lucky we find a way of making it work with someone that snuggles up to your back 2 o clock in the morning when its raining outside.