Love and Life

My mother was alone 19 years before her death.

Could never understand that. It seems we had similar issues.

Although I have been in a relationship at least the majority of my time as an adult;

I have struggled with finding love for the biggest part of life.

It never worked out for me.

I have read up on attachment styles, partner selection, success recipes for relationships.

I have studied relationship theory and even developed my own.

I have looked with envy at people that can stay together.

I have been envious of people that can handle being alone.

I have tried being a player.

I have tried being myself or as much of that, I could be.

I have been friends for long periods of times.

I had one night stands

I have thought I have found my soul mate.

I have been to the depths of despair about my divorce and being discarded.

I have bounced back seen what a blessing it was.

I have embraced friends with benefits

I have given up on love that I should have held on to,

I have held on when I should have given up.

I have fought for love

I have given up on love

I have tried to be understood.

I have tried to understand.

I have shared of myself and my emotions.

I have withheld my emotions

I have found and deserted my feminine side.

I have connected when I should not

I have been intimate

I have isolated

I have run away when I should have stayed.

I have been insensitive when I should not have been.

I have had awesome sex

And really bad sex

I have been stalked

I have been persistent about my attentions

I have treated woman with respect

I have treated women badly and with disdain.

 

 

I have been in relationships from an early time in my life, it was like all early prepubescent loves a crush more than anything and from there it developed according to all indications quite normally.

When I look at the patterns and the mannerisms of my love life it’s about being disconnected. about not feeling if I fit. According to Astrology, I am an old soul and too emotional in relationships and in things of the heart, no superficiality for me.

I choose woman according to all indications that are emotionally distant like my mother was. And although I have been aware of that pattern and trying to avoid it, it’s a cross that follows me wherever I go and whatever I try. So its always me trying to show I am worthwhile, please choose me please love me, please like me. Irrespective, by all indications I don’t suffer from low self-esteem, quite the contrary.

I can’t remember when last I was in a relationship where I felt that I was accepted and loved. Where the success of the relationship is not just dependent on my skill of creating connection with the other. My willingness to sacrifice where I had an opportunity to be.

Is it that I require it to happen on my terms and in a manner I want? Is the fact that I feel deeply and commit so intense turn-off ?

I like silence, but that silence is something for me to share, a connection.

I yearn for isolation because its an alternative to my intensity and engrossing style of loving. But also if I leave do you have the willingness and skill to follow me to there and bring me back. Back into love.

I want you to want me as much and with the same intensity that I want you.

In the end I want two things.

I want to be loved.

I want to be accepted.

I think that’s a good place to start. 🙂

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