My mother was alone 19 years before her death.
Could never understand that. It seems we had similar issues.
Although I have been in a relationship at least the majority of my time as an adult;
I have struggled with finding love for the biggest part of life.
It never worked out for me.
I have read up on attachment styles, partner selection, success recipes for relationships.
I have studied relationship theory and even developed my own.
I have looked with envy at people that can stay together.
I have been envious of people that can handle being alone.
I have tried being a player.
I have tried being myself or as much of that, I could be.
I have been friends for long periods of times.
I had one night stands
I have thought I have found my soul mate.
I have been to the depths of despair about my divorce and being discarded.
I have bounced back seen what a blessing it was.
I have embraced friends with benefits
I have given up on love that I should have held on to,
I have held on when I should have given up.
I have fought for love
I have given up on love
I have tried to be understood.
I have tried to understand.
I have shared of myself and my emotions.
I have withheld my emotions
I have found and deserted my feminine side.
I have connected when I should not
I have been intimate
I have isolated
I have run away when I should have stayed.
I have been insensitive when I should not have been.
I have had awesome sex
And really bad sex
I have been stalked
I have been persistent about my attentions
I have treated woman with respect
I have treated women badly and with disdain.
I have been in relationships from an early time in my life, it was like all early prepubescent loves a crush more than anything and from there it developed according to all indications quite normally.
When I look at the patterns and the mannerisms of my love life it’s about being disconnected. about not feeling if I fit. According to Astrology, I am an old soul and too emotional in relationships and in things of the heart, no superficiality for me.
I choose woman according to all indications that are emotionally distant like my mother was. And although I have been aware of that pattern and trying to avoid it, it’s a cross that follows me wherever I go and whatever I try. So its always me trying to show I am worthwhile, please choose me please love me, please like me. Irrespective, by all indications I don’t suffer from low self-esteem, quite the contrary.
I can’t remember when last I was in a relationship where I felt that I was accepted and loved. Where the success of the relationship is not just dependent on my skill of creating connection with the other. My willingness to sacrifice where I had an opportunity to be.
Is it that I require it to happen on my terms and in a manner I want? Is the fact that I feel deeply and commit so intense turn-off ?
I like silence, but that silence is something for me to share, a connection.
I yearn for isolation because its an alternative to my intensity and engrossing style of loving. But also if I leave do you have the willingness and skill to follow me to there and bring me back. Back into love.
I want you to want me as much and with the same intensity that I want you.
In the end I want two things.
I want to be loved.
I want to be accepted.
I think that’s a good place to start. 🙂