Relational alienation

How come one feels out of place in your own culture?

I struggle with the Music I struggle with the cultural confines and the overall mind set.

I listen to French music, find eastern music alluring and struggle with my own sounds.

I love my language, I love the ability to express myself so clearly in it.

All cultures must have a dominant social grouping that determines the movies, books etc. So does mine.

Maybe its not just in my culture and I know its just not me.

As outsiders we choose what fits with us.

As outliers we think different thought.

The social need to belong is a biological need. How does one move against it through it.

I can see the people that belong, their happiness and their sense of contentment their shared compassion.

I struggle to have a family that takes emotional energy from me.

I recently made a telling comment to my ex wife. I am thankful for her to give me the space and opportunity to be alone. I love my kids I in some way still love my ex wife, that does not mean to say I want to live together as a family.

Yes I can live with my children, they get me and work in my rules of existence, well mostly.

I struggle with the thought of ever living with someone, but also at some level would love nothing more than to share my alone space with someone.

To live this paradox is confusing. It wants to be one way but I feel in another way.

A friend of mine recently made the comment about getting or not getting into a relationship. “I just don’t have the emotional energy for it”. At some level he is probably the last person that one should take relationship advise from, but there is some truth in the statement he expresses.

My last relationship broke up on those words. It is also those words that will probably keep me from getting into another.

The alone ness of non attachment is an alluring feeling. It forces you into your own mind and own conversation. Its a conversation lots of people don’t like to have, for me its one of the most important conversations.

Being alone there is also less of input and challenges in the traditional way.  you only have yourself to fight with and to give input.

Our cultural preoccupation with belonging and the fear of aloneness is drives us into relationships and attachments just so that we are not alone. We then find ways to compensate for our loneliness in those relationships, just so that we not alone.

My blogs continuously revolves around relationships and my inability to understand them and make sense of it.

Maybe the biggest driving force of my life, is just not for me. Maybe part of my unlearning is to give up that what I have been yearning for.

And as the old saying goes, maybe if you stop searching it will find you.

 

 

 

 

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