In the last 6 months I have been confronted with my fallibility and the fact that I am getting older.
All the clichés could be true. I am in the peak of my experience and of my life. But the fact of the matter is there.. I am over 50 years old. The cycles of life has become more apparent as age as crept up on me. I am starting to listen to music and differently. Remembering people times and places long gone.
I had dinner recently with my girlfriend form school, and its interesting how she viewed me based on that person that she knew from long. When we last saw one another it was really almost a lifetime ago. Her view of me and what she remembered about me and how I turned out to be was quite interesting. It seems who and what my mind was then and is now is similar. Although I must confess age has not always been good to the body.
In the last three months I was cut short by a neck spasm that limited my movement as well as my well being. I was in a foul mood for almost three months and in the end I think it contributed to the breakup of my 2 year long relationship. What it did though is it made me realise more than ever the importance of looking after my body and spirit. I have come to realise that as much as I want love in my life I also crave the aloneness and quiet of being single. My long term vision for myself has largely been around meditating and quietness in my surroundings as I got older. I would in the latter parts of my life live largely withdrawn from formal life and spend life mediating and teaching. The unfortunate part of this is that in my choice of woman I tend to choose young woman with children, that poses a problem for my goals and lifestyle. Part of the reason it seems is that I have always looked at myself and seen me as a 37 od year old person. It seems like now my mind and body is getting to the same page . I keep telling people that one of the most profound impacts in a relationship is from partner selection. It looks like I was not listening to myself. It is also true that we select people based on our Imago’s .
There were times in the past where I thought that now I have become an adult. Each time has been some kind of an arrival for me. and maybe this is too, just an arrival at a different kind of adulthood, a different place of being a broader space of myself. We arrive at a station on our way to death. We don’t know where the next station is, we don’t know where its going, we don’t know who is going with. In the end we don’t know if the next station is our last. There is an extricable pull to the next station. to the journey. We cant get off unless we abandon life.
We choose our class of travel and how we travel sometimes throw us people that might be on the same journey. Sometimes we must just determine if you have been on a specific class and not to continuously get into the same train. Sometimes it feels as if life is a process of moving from the unknown of the self to the known. We keep on unlearning that what our parents and caregivers have taught us and in that way we move into a more known space that is closer and closer to our being. I don’t believe there is a core “me” though the core in this sense is a place where the learned “me” disappears and the emptiness that could be me surfaces.
A friend of mine said that life is a sphere, cone shaped getting thinner and thinner as you go higher and higher. Should this be true we keep revisiting the same issues continuously and only visit them from a different angle, unlearning and seeing with different eyes and different perspectives continuously.
As I have moved on with the journey what I have known to be true has made space for an unease with certainty with clear cut solutions and simple options.
There in lies the paradox of life, the more we unlearn the more we know.