I am what I am

The “I”  

I am what I am, or so I would like to think.

We grow up with the theory that at the end of all our quests there is an I a singular me.

I have been searching for the singular me all my life, I have found that the me I am looking for does not exist. The best description comes from N.L.P. and is as follows.

1. Behaviour

2. Attitude

3. Beliefs

4. Values

5. Core Values

6. Meta Program’s

And although all of the above describes as it aptly puts it my behaviour and what makes up my behaviour it does not really tell me who I am. It might explain how I project me.

Psychologically and Philosophically speaking  there are a whole range of descriptions and definitions of the me. I have read and understood some of it,and some I still don’t understand.  Then there is the the Mind Body question. Is my body linked to my mind,brain, how do they interact and influence each other.

I am my behaviour?

I am my thoughts?

I am my mind?

I am my brain?

The elusive I is just that elusive, maybe because it does not exist. Like I said in earlier posts maybe in the end I am just a pattern of behaviour.

So the I is a figment of my imagination. Or is the theory that there is an I just an illusion as well.

So do I exist and why do I exist ?

Frankl and various others explain and would say the question that I ask is an existential vacuum or crisis. Maybe they are right as far as an explanation goes. But from a Buddhist perspective the I is a projection of the mind. The end question would lead to a nothingness. Being a nothing at the end is a frightening idea for me, I would like to think that the “I” is something, belongs somewhere and fits in somewhere. Maybe as part of my journey that is exactly where I need to go there where the fear leads me. Nothingness is like death. There is no more. Even should you believe in reincarnation it is the end of this incarnation. That what is left over after my death might go somewhere or not to be reincarnated or not, and that being true, where does the I fit in, if I get reincarnated would I still be “me”.

If you listen to others they would say that Love is the answer in the end everything is about love. Relating and belonging might fill that emptiness of the elusive I.  We are our relationships it forms us it defines us. Love as a value is a recent construct. Attraction and attachment has been there before the romantic love existed they existed for a different reason, procreation and protection. So if we project our core onto a value like love and say we are LOVE, I struggle with being limited to a singular value. And still it does not answer the question of, Who am I?

In the end the search is a search for a sense of nothing. So maybe one need to give up the search for the I as one can see it is a wasteful endeavor. Or is it?  And would I have wasted my life searching for nothing? Would it have been better having a job and a family and the 2.5 children and the white picket fence. Because that is at some level at least a creation process, creating a family a society, belonging and all that,  for that is what we are as a species, as a organism.

The “I” is a fallacy is a lie, does not exist, and its all I have.

I am what I am  and maybe not.



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