Do You love me?

In dealing with divorced couples I am often struck by the unanswered question that sometimes hang in the air. Is there not a way to make this work, again? Then you look at one or both of them and you see the tiredness in the eyes the tired draw around the lips and you know. As The Doors put it this is the end.

Reading up on relationships and conflict in relationships is what my life and my work is about. The more I read and the more I work and discuss this with people the more I recognize that we don’t really understand people. By listening to them and letting them speak they give you a narrative that will support their view on what it is they intend doing. By nature people very seldom when they feel deeply share that with anybody. That narrative will change as the situation changes.

I have come to realize we too seldom give people space to expand, explain and explore their role in the narrative that is their lives. We harbour an illusionary self of how life should be and must be. Relationships are an arrangement between 2 parties and needs to be treated as such. Gay couples , straight n gay couples straight couples and the list of judgement of what and who should be in a relationship and how they should be in a relationship permeates our legal and cultural scenery. The traditional way of dealing with relationships was for the people in charge of society and cultural norms to tell us how we are allowed to deal with each other what the arrangement should be like. That creates a whole set of anomalies for who and what we are in our core. By structuring relationships in a legal and cultural framework it suits those that make the rules , not necessarily those that are in the relationships. In that structure lies the death of freedom to choose how to do your relationships. Rules and Laws are there to protect the weaker participants of our society, but it should regulate the power imbalances not the nature of a relationship.

We judge and evaluate relationships based on our cultural and societal inputs. Maybe its time we allow people to do their relationships in their way that would be best for them and their children.

Then the question of Do you love me might take on a whole new meaning


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