Sex,attraction and intimacy

When couple’s divorce sex or rather the lack and demand thereof becomes one of the driving forces for wanting to change a partner. I believe we are programmed to mate (get into relationships) for the pure reason of procreation. We as a species then developed strategies for our survival (Commitment) in that time.

We write poems songs and when we are young and at our peak of possible procreating from about the age of 16 our need to find a sexual partner overshadows everything else in our existence. Most of what we think about is getting a mate, promising true commitment and love to that one special individual. We all have during our lifetime the need, want, to love, be loved and share a sense of intimacy with that special one.

New research ( Helen Fisher) suggest that there are not just one love but a variety of types of love. She talks about four basic types of love that makes it possible for us to move forward and procreate and make sure of the survival of the offspring.  Starting of with the first one, Sexual attraction (Lust)  the second Romance ,thirdly Attraction and lastly Attachment.

In all of this sex and intimacy features very highly, we tend to think about it crave it and want it, but we very seldom talk about it. According to Dr, David Schnarch a sexologist and author of “Intimacy and Desire, Awakening the passion in your relationship” The biggest problem on a sexual front in relationships is boredom, partly due to the fact that when we start having sex in our relationships we tend to try and please the other one, and when we see that there is something the other one does not like we stop doing that, and so in long term relationships we are left with what he refers to as the sexual rejects, those things that is OK and wont offend the other one. But it does not take our changing needs into consideration. We change in what we want from our sexual partner as our needs change. Another element is that we start “making love” that means we are so aware of one another and the needs of our partner we worry about pleasing them more than enjoying the experience. He defines two types of sex that we need. Both of these have a different result and effect on us. The one is “lovemaking “, and most people in long term marriages and committed relationships know it. We also know it becomes quite boring after a while. The second one is “Fucking”, according to his research we need to feel that passion and overwhelming need to be Fucked now and again in our relationships to keep the juices flowing. But just one and not the other is painful after a while in a relationship.

Problems eventually occur on a sexual front in couples. This is due to the fact that there is always a High demand partner(HDP) and Low demand partner(LDP) . The interesting fact is that the relationship is determined by the LDP and not the HDP. The reason is that the LDP manages access to what the HDP wants and controls access to it.

When partners in successful relationship can manage those demands ,  it might last because they have defined a way to manage the needs and wants of both partners. When we can’t find a way to Get “fucked” now and again as well as “made love” to we become needy for that part to be satisfied.  Intimacy is created by sharing information about your being with a partner. To be able to live together in a confined space with another person we need to bare some of who and what we are, that happens during and after making love. We map each other’s mind and emotions and become vulnerable in the space with the other person. That for me is intimacy.

Helen Fisher talks about infidelity creeping in at about the fourth year of a committed relationship. This is the time when we need to find new and exciting things to re ignite passion and lust in ourselves as well as our partners. Statics show that most relationships break down at about the four year period. Biologically that is when the offspring should be off the hands of the primary caregivers into the hands of the community.

Our culture has determined that we should not do some of the above mentioned things. It leads to us and our relationships to be boring dried out places that does not create opportunities for us to grow and  be more of what we are and share that with the person that is special in our life. Relationships are places of growth, passion, pain and a whole lot more but it makes us more human and gives us the ability if we get it right to “GLOW WITH HAPPINESS”


3 thoughts on “Sex,attraction and intimacy

  1. Pingback: Sex,attraction and intimacy | CONRAD KOTZE

  2. Great topic! Drs Les & Leslie Parrott talk about the three sides of love (strength of a triangle, with commitment being the third side) and include the two different variations of having sex, different language 🙂 same idea. John Gray also encourages slow sex (other person oriented) and fast sex (passion, driven). Interesting to wonder what helps to create the stage for these two sides. Thanks for the provocative post!

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