My relationship of the last year ended over the weekend. Unlike the previous time it happened the shock and anger was not as devastating.
It was as if one was watching an oil carrier make a turn. One can see the inevitability in it but one could not stop it. To be able to stop it one needed the rudder and steering to work together. In this instance it was not.
Relationships under the best of times for me is a challenge. And here is why.
1. I had a Near death experience about 18 years ago and came back with one glaring realization. LIFE IS RELATIONSHIPS.
2. Growing up in a hostel from a very young age and living in a communal way without role models in family my skill at having and being in one is not very highly developed.
3. As an introvert I find my solace and re-energizing alone away from people.
4. I am a family mediator and as such see the inevitability of all relationships on a regular basis.
5. The complexities of being a parent and a lover and a father sometimes becomes overwhelming.
6. I find the monotony of a live in relationship and the resultant boredom fearful.
Like my ex lover says I am quite a catch if she did not at some stages because of my need to be alone felt so alone. I respect and can see that. I need to recognize that my need to be alone impacts on the people that I choose to go into relationship with. I recognize that I am at my best in a relationship not alone. It gives me the stability and security that I can go out and challenge the world. The most energy in my life has been spend finding a relationship and making my relationships work, and yet I cant seem to find a plan that makes it possible.
I have probably more self knowledge than a lot of people and I know my self imposed isolation has been a protection of the pain I felt that relationships at a very young age brought me. Is the being alone a habit an addiction that I have that keeps me from having and going into meaningful long term relationships. It will be something that I will be exploring for myself in the time to come.